I am so sorry I have been slacking! Buttttt…This is the story all about how my life flipped turned upside down (in a good way!) I am moving to Washington, D.C.! I interned there after college and FELL. IN. LOVE. It’s an amazingly inspirational place. I will get back to posting weekly menus and what not…but I’ve literally had to pack up my life and ship it to a far away land in a VERY short amount of time. I’ve received a huge amount of support from you all in my new venture and I cannot thank you all enough!!! For now, this is all I’ve got. Next time you hear from me, I will be writing from D.C.!!!!!!!
Recently, one of my very dear friends asked me to do something. Something I wouldn’t in a billion years dream of doing. Or of being asked to do. More on that later.
So this friend…She’s very good at pushing me. She pushes me in workouts and in reminding me of how strong mentally and physically I am. When I am doubting anything, she’s quick to tell me to suck it up and start believing all of the things in myself that everyone around me knows to be true. Great friend, right? Right. So when this friend said she needed a favor, my brain told me it doesn’t matter what it is..I’M DOING IT!
So that favor…To model for her and a group of people she networks with. She’s an incredibly talented hair dresser and was going to be doing a shoot in collaboration with a make up artist, local boutique, and photographer…Oh and yours truly! I was honestly flattered to be asked, but also FREAKING OUT INSIDE. To be continued…
So, when you lose as much weight as I have it’s easy to be hard on yourself. At least for me. While I know how far I’ve come and celebrate my good health and that I FEEL so much better…I find myself struggling to fully accept my new body and see the person other people do when they look at me. My extra skin plays a huge role in this. I often think back to former 290 lb Grace and laugh to myself thinking about how that version of me would feel knowing I wasn’t fully happy with my body as it is now. But for me, it’s reality.
I find myself thinking about other people and how their thighs don’t have so much extra skin…Or how their arms don’t jiggle when they move…Or that their abs (Yup I’ve got pretty rockin’ ones) aren’t hidden by excess skin. I feel SO SILLY comparing myself to others and it’s not something that controls my life by any means…But I dream about the day when the skin is gone and I can finally wear tank tops and shorts and SEE the me other people do. I want to see my muscles and not just be able to feel them.
So back to this photo shoot. We had a message thread between everyone involved, including the other models. We were supposed to give our sizes (something that used to TERRIFY me!!)…”Oh you need to know my shirt size?? Well I really wear a 2X, but I will squeeze myself into a large so I don’t have to actually order a 2X”…This time I was like ok, ok I can do this…I’m an 8-10 usually in pants and really a S-M-L in shirts, just depends. Well everyone started sending in their sizes…2-4 in pants and S in shirts. Oh great. Back to being the biggest one in the room…again. But I laughed it off and remind myself who I am doing this for…bucked up and sent in my sizes.
So day of…We are all there (most of the models I met for the first time that day) and they are all BEAUTIFUL. And look so natural and comfortable in front of the camera. I felt my insecurities oozing out of me like a bad infection. Everyone was being SO supportive of me and reminding me to just have fun…And I tried. I really did. I just felt so…uncomfortable.
That being said, I am so happy I did it. I think one of the most important things you can do for yourself in life is to leave your comfort zone. Mentally and physically. It teaches you so much about yourself and allows you to grow in ways nothing else can. I am so lucky and thankful to have people (even strangers!) be so supportive of me. It’s not something everyone is lucky enough to experience and I never take for granted how blessed I am.
To my friend who pushed me to do this…You have no idea how much you continue to help me grow. The universe knew I needed a pusher like you in my life and I’m just lucky enough that it chose you =D
Clothes: Southern Blu Style
Make up: Ashley Nelson Studios
Photographer: Lux et Amor
Today my BFF came to a workout with me! It was a lot of fun and misery all in 1 hour. (talk to me tmrw about my arms, legs and general geriatric style of walking)
But we started chatting about me in years past and if any of my doctors ever said to me “you need to lose weight” or “you’re unhealthy” or “you’re on a very dangerous path.” There was that one time my pediatrician spoke to my mom about the need for me to lose weight when I was a child, but never as someone who went to the doctor without a parent, did a doctor ever confront me about my weight.
On the one side, I get it…It’s a very sensitive subject and it’s not easy to hurt someone’s feelings…But on the other side, you know what else is a sensitive subject…a young, outgoing and vibrant woman whose life was cut much too short because she died from complications from obesity.
Ok that’s a bit extreme, but for real!
I technically paid my doctor to keep me healthy and give his/her educated opinions about how to do so… and not one in my adult life ever talked to me about the need for me to drop lbs. Now, I’m not sure if this would have helped or hurt…But I just think healthcare providers are doing a huge injustice to so many of us that deal with being overweight by acting like the weight issue doesn’t exist.
[talk to us. tell us the hard truth.] Explain to us that ” if you don’t get healthy, your body will give up on you.” Be a little scary, it’s ok.
Ok so what I want to know from all of you is:
Have any of you experienced a doctor telling you about the need to lose weight? How did you feel? Or if there are any doctor’s out there do you discuss this with patients? Why or why not?
Oh my gosh, you guys. I can’t believe how long it’s been since the last time I sat down here to blog! Life. Is. Crazy.
I’m still working on getting to goal weight. I struggle. I succeed. I struggle. But I focus on how far I’ve come rather than focusing on this last 10-15 lbs. My body continues to change as I exchange fat for muscle…I’m stronger. I’m faster. I’m happier. So that’s what I focus on! This picture is something I’ve look at daily for months. And here’s why:
My life the past few months has been utter chaos. Starting last December I had a round of surgeries for what turned out to be a benign tumor. (So many of you sent me well wishes via Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram and I am so, so thankful for that!!)
After the first surgery we weren’t sure I would need a second…As luck would have it…I did! Wooo (not.) My second surgery was a little more invasive. The tumor was removed and the cause was discovered and fixed.
The recovery wasn’t [isn't] ideal. To back up for a minute, they discovered what caused the tumor, but not what caused the thing that caused the tumor (ya following?) The area where the tumor was removed from is having issues healing properly (yes we’re going on 4+ months here) so I get to do a lot of waiting…see a doctor…not sure of answer…wait…see a doctor…looks better but still not quite right…wait…referred to another doctor…wait. I’ve now had 3 very trained doctors tell me either 1) I’ve never seen something quite like this or 2) I really don’t have an answer for this…Two things you never really want to hear a doctor tell you!!
But, the good news is it is much better than it was…and I’m allowed to run again (oh yeah, I was benched from all activity for SEVERAL weeks.) That was really fun…As someone who relies on running and being active to EAT the foods I LOVE…Yeah, go ahead and do the math on that one! But, like I said…I am better than I was before and it could have been so much worse, so for that I am hopeful, grateful, and thankful to a wonderful team of doctors who is determined to help me get 100% back to normal!
Adding that to lots of family/close friends dealing with things…Missing people I wish I could see everyday…and at times being generally overwhelmed…Life has been kicking my ass a bit. But I’m a firm believer in the Universe/God (whatever you prefer here!) not giving you things you can’t handle…So someone thinks I’m one tough, bad ass lady…Which duh, I am. But I’m confident that things will all workout, because they always do…and I just know [something beautiful is going to happen.]
Shifting a bit:
I’m trying to focus more on “clean eating.” I went all out for a couple of weeks and saw HUGE results…-8 lbs in 1 week! It’s not easy though.
[Our society makes it very, very hard.]
When I’m not able to be fully in control of making my food (when traveling or even just eating out with a friend) I can’t guarantee I’m processed foods free. And better yet, I don’t always want to be! I love cookies and candy and things that taste good (haha!) So I try to keep an 80-20 balance. 80% of the food I eat in a week is safe and “clean” while 20% is the good on the tongue bad on the body stuff we all crave.
I’m normal. I’m human and I love sweets, damn it!
But I’m also sick of wearing 10-20 lbs so I’m hoping I can get out of the 160′s and look down at the scale at that magic 1-5-0! It will happen, that I do know.
Ok, so now I’ve said this before, but really really really I am going to get back on here regularly. I will set aside time each week devoted to it! I hope you’re all doing well and haven’t forgotten about me, lol!
So I went shopping this weekend. Didn’t really plan on it, but when your mom says hey want to go shopping and look around? YOU DON’T SAY NO. Rule of life. This shopping trip was different, and here’s why:
I remembered that earlier in the week I realized my size 10 jeans were baggy. Not falling off, but I was showing signs of diaper butt. So, when I saw a pair of size 8s on the sale rack, I had a bit of a panic. It was as if the weight loss Gods and the bargain Gods got together and led me to this pair of jeans, haha! My panic came from “if I go try these on and they don’t fit, how will this make me feel? Will I feel defeated and run for the closest cookies I could find? Will I cry? Will it empower me? So many thoughts racing through my mind. But I decided to go for it.
What happened next is a moment that will live on in my mind for the rest of my life. I got into the dressing room, locked the door, pep talked myself and put one leg in. Ok, that feels fine let’s go for leg number 2. Ok legs are in and jeans are to my knees. That feeling I’ve experienced so many times…You know the one, where you try on pants that are too tight and you start sweating a bit and fear you will be stuck in the most uncomfortable straight jacket pants forever, wasn’t there! They went over my thighs with ease to my waist…ZIPPED…and regular breathing ensued! Holy shit, I was a freaking size 8! I haven’t worn single digit pants since ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, people.
I didn’t plan on buying anything this day. But another rule of life…When you try on pants that are a size smaller than you wore last time you went shopping…and they fit…YOU BUY THEM. They’re hanging in my closet now, almost with a bright aura around them putting all of the size 10 pants they are next to, to shame. Just waiting to be worn. It won’t be tmrw (Mondays are weigh-in days and you must be crazy to think I’ll wear jeans and step on the scale!) But look out world…I’ll be conquering you this week…wearing size 8 pants!
The holidays have come and gone (Thank God!) and all of the tempting sweet treats have disappeared with the turn of the new year. Now comes that oh so overused question “What’s your New Year’s resolution?” I am all for looking at myself and seeing what I can do better this year that I did last year…But for me, setting an actual resolution feels like I am just setting myself up to resent the change I am trying to make.
One major thing I have learned with weight loss (that actually applies to many things in life) is the way you look at something makes all of the difference. So for me, looking at these small goals/things to work on as a “New Year’s Resolution” does not work. That being said I have some big and some small goals, some weight related and some not I’d like to work on in 2013. Here it goes:
To hit my goal weight of 150.
To drink more water everyday.
To do at least 1-60 second front plank everyday. (Any takers to do this one too?? C’mon it takes 1 minute!)
To accept I can’t be in control of every aspect of life all of the time. I very much try to live life knowing what is meant to be will be…but sometimes I forget =)
To update my blog more!
To run faster.
To run longer.
To get stronger.
And most importantly to wake up thankful, every. single. day. Even on days I wake up sick. tired. sad. mad. annoyed. etc. Because no matter what is going on in my days…I get to wake up and go to a wonderful job, in my healthy body, and talk to people who I love and am inspired by everyday. One of my most favorite quotes of all time sums this idea up perfectly to me…It’s a Buddha quote that says, “Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.”
Now it’s your turn!! What are you going to try to do better in 2013 than you did in 2012?
Before I go into this lengthy and long overdo post, I want to comment on the images in the post. The photo of the doctor’s office room is where my consult was done. Yes, I got stand naked in front of the blue paper while being photographed (SUPER FUN, not) But, seeing the after photos compared to the before photos will be amazing… Now, onto the important one.. As most of you know, with my weight loss I am an open book. You all know I used to be a fatty…So why should I pretend that part of my life just never happened! The most common question I get is about extra skin after weight loss and if I have it and what it’s like, etc. Although I am open, showing people what I am most embarrassed about is hard for me. But I know by being open and showing what I deal with, I could help even 1 person to get healthy…So for you, my arm. ehhhh.
So, I met with a plastic surgeon several days ago…It’s surreal to think I am almost to the point in my weight loss journey to discuss plastic surgery. Losing weight is fantastic. It’s not something I would trade for any other situation. [yes, that is correct…If I got to start my life over again, and could be “skinny” for the entire thing…I wouldn’t.] This journey has taught me too much, proved me wrong (thankfully) too many times, and ultimately has shown me, I’m a freaking badass.
That being said…Weight loss also has its major down side (yes it’s singular, because so far…it’s the only one I’ve found!) The skin that used to shell my once large body didn’t disappear with the jiggly stuff [damn.] It’s on my stomach, my arms, and my legs. For a long time, I’ve looked at it as a reminder for how far I’ve come (clearly it’s there…Might as well try to find a positive about it, right?)
But soon, it will be time for me to forever let go of Fatty Grace. She’s mostly gone. Really. But as I get closer to my goal weight, that extra skin becomes less of “look how far I have come” to “look at what is holding me back.” And because of that, It’s time.
It’s time for me to buckle down and get to my goal weight of 150. I’ve been fighting these last 25 lbs for literally almost a year. I’ve been in the same 10 lb range for MONTHS. The doctor who will be doing my surgery will not operate until I am at goal weight and I am sick and tired of lugging around this extra 25!
My surgeries would take 2 completely separate operations. I sat down with the doctor and told him everything I want done: skin removed from my stomach, love handle area, and back, (the tire, haha) skin removed from my arms (so I can see my guns!) skin removed from my legs (so my thighs will actually see day light, one day) and lastly, a breast augmentation (because when you join the Itty Bitty…Club and you used to be the President of the Large and In Charge Upstairs Sisters Club..The girls need some work!) And yes, lipo accompanies those surgeries as needed.
So wow…yes, that is a lot. I know it is a lot. But the reason I am ok with it is because just like my weight loss, these surgeries are for me. It’s not for anyone else who will look at my new body or so I can impress people. I put in the hard work and damn it, I deserve to wear sleeveless tops and dare I say it [a bikini] because [I WANT TO].
My first surgery will be my stomach (tire) area and my arms. Round 2 will be breasts and legs.
The next steps are getting to goal weight and seeing if I can get any of the surgeries paid for by my insurance. It’s expensive. Really. Really. Expensive. So, as I learn more and have a date set…I will be sure to let you all know, it’s time.
I made an incredible discovery last night. I knew I started my Weight Watchers journey for the last time in August of 2010…But I didn’t really realize that was THIS MONTH! I went to my etools to check my exact start date…And wouldn’t you know…it’s this week! August 16, 2010. At first I was like woah I can’t believe it! And then it hit me…Its been TWO years and I’m still not at goal. This
was is a rush of so many emotions. The past 6-8 months has been one of success and set back, success and set back…I’ve never been “off plan” in two years, but like everyone I too, have my “off” times. But after really thinking about the past two years this is what I realized…
What have I done in 2 years:
[Lost] a lot of weight (obviously, ha!) [Gained] a lot of confidence.
[Changed] my body shape.
[Evolved] my mind.
[Left] the plus size section.
[Walked] my first 5k. [Ran] my first mile without stopping. [Ran] my first 5k. [Ran] my frist 5 miles without stopping. [Ran] my first 10 miles without walking. [Ran] my first half marathon.
Did my first [real] pushup. Did 70 [real] pushups in a row.
[Saw] my abs. [SAW] MY ABS. (i like this one.)
[Lowered] my cholesterol. [Lowered] my lipids. [Gained] energy. [Stopped] weight related painc attacks.
[Quit] eating fast food (Not becuase you have to, remember you can eat ANYTHING!)
[Shared] clothes with my [healthy] sized friends.
[Learned] to ENJOY healthy food. [Learned] moderation.
[Experienced] true happiness.
[Left] an undesired statistic group. [Became] a statistic not many people become.
[Proved] anything is possible if you are willing to work. [Accepted] anything is possible if you are willing to work.
And lastly, [learned] to [BELIEVE] in [MYSELF].
So while I am not at goal weight yet, what I have done for myself in two years is forever life changing and I couldn’t be more proud of myself.
So, thanks to a very nice person reaching out to me via Twitter, I learned that the FromFattyTo emails HAVE NOT been fwd to my gmail account as they should have…meaning until now, I have not seen them!! So for the many, many of you who have sent me the amazing notes I promise I am getting through them one by one and will respond to each of you! It might not be today, but I promise in the next few days you will have a response! I ABSOLUTELY love hearing from you all and can’t wait to be inspired by all of your stories!
Yes, I’ve joined a club I never in my entire life thought I would join…The one for those of us ladies who are smaller in the chest department. To get the BIG elephant [bra] in the room out of the way, that big tan God awful looking thing is a 42 DD. Yes, FORTY-TWO DOUBLE D.
Moving on…I went to Victoria’s Secret today to explore. Before losing weight I couldn’t even dream of fitting in a bra from there. So, I walked in and happily told the lady, “I’ve lost some weight and would like to buy a new bra.” She said great and whipped out here measuring tape (right in the middle of those store…something Fatty Grace would have freaking died experiencing) But I gladly put my hands on my hips and waited for her to finish. Not exactly knowing what the number size would be, I was fully expecting at least the letter D to be involved…when the words 36 C exited her mouth I think I must have had a look of shock on my face because she laughed and said “Not what you were expecting?” A little piece of me wanted to cry tears of joy (recently discovered I’m getting to be an emotional wreck in my older years..JOY!) But, I kept it together and headed back to the dressing room.
What happened next was really a shocking moment for me. The very nice lady helping me said, “Would you like to try on a push-up style? Smaller sized women usually like them.” Ummm what?! Smaller. Sized. Women. This was me, Grace Goodman, this lady was talking about! I’ve never in my life been described as smaller ANYTHING. Trying to control my beaming ear to ear smile, I said ya sure, whatever you think…And off she went to pull some styles for smaller sized me.
Experiencing things like this never gets old. I try to keep a mental note of these situations when I’m having a hard week with food or staying on track. Yes, because it reminds me how good it feels to have these experiences, but more importantly to remind myself 1) how for I have come, and 2) having a hard day or a hard week happens. It’s how you deal with it that matters. It’s nice to have these “off the scale” victories because in the end no one can ever look at you notice a pound or two here and there…but when your size shrinks people notice. You notice. And that feels AH-MAZ-ING.